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10 Reasons Abusers Abuse


How could anyone do this to me? Victims of abuse struggle to understand how someone who supposedly loves them can justify the abuse they dole out.  It’s a simple question, but with a complicated answer.


To be clear, the types of abuse—physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, verbal and spiritual—may exist in isolation, although they more often tend to overlap one another.  There is no justification for any of these abuses.  That’s not to say that there aren’t real causes and explanations for it.

What’s Behind the Abuse?

Every situation and every individual is different.  That being said, the central reasons to explain abuse can be boiled down to some basic themes, which, it cannot be overstated, do not excuse the behavior:

  1. Mental disorders:  There are some people who simply derive pleasure from the suffering of others.  They are sadistic, sociopathic, and/or psychopathic.
  2. They grew up with abuse:  Some people dole out the same kinds of abuse they, themselves, experienced as children.  Their dysfunctionality comes from a subliminal desire to resolve the issues surrounding their own history of abuse.
  3. Proof they are not homosexual: Some boys who experienced sexual abuse as children wind up sexually abusing females later in life in a subconscious attempt to prove to themselves that they are heterosexual.
  4. Traumatic events led to anger issues:  For some, feelings of rage can be sparked in a matter of seconds, leading to dangerous bouts of violence.
  5. They have buried frustrations:  For individuals who grew up in a house with addictions, they have heard one excuse after another, and watched blame shifting as a matter of course.  They may have wanted to express their frustrations as children but were unable to. As adults, they are now able to let everything out, often in inappropriate ways.
  6. They want to control:  Some people simply wish to control others through intimidation and bullying behaviors.
  7. The concept of boundaries eludes them:  When someone views their significant other as an extension of self rather than as an individual, it makes sense to them that exclusively defining the rules of the relationship is appropriate.
  8. Fear motivates them:  Some people use their emotions to justify actions and demands of others. They believe others should conform to help them deal with insecurities.
  9. They are overwhelmed or exhausted:  When too much is coming at someone, sometimes they crack, acting out in abusive ways.
  10. Their defense is an attack:  When some people feel they are running out of options, they resort to denial, suppression, projection, and aggression.  Rather than suffer an emotional defeat, they become abusive.

Escaping Abuse

If you have suffered abuse at the hands of a lover or spouse, there is absolutely no justification for it.  Yes, people have their reasons.  That doesn’t make it okay.  At the Law Office of Julia Kefalinos, our dedicated Miami domestic violence attorneys are prepared to help you through legal means to escape the abuse.  To discuss the possibilities, contact our office today.

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