Why Stay With an Abuser?

It’s one of the most difficult social problems to understand: why people who are in abusive relationships don’t leave them.  If the abuse is so bad, some might reason, why stick around? The answers are complicated and vary from case to case.

Don’t Believe These Reasons 

Sadly, it’s all too easy for some people to blame victims in these situations. Some of the explanations that are absolutely NOT TRUE include the following:

• #1 Wrong Explanation: It’s the victim’s fault. This would be funny if it weren’t so abhorrently ridiculous. There is never an acceptable reason for people in an intimate relationship to resort to violence.
• #2 Wrong Explanation: They like it. Nobody likes to be abused.
• #3 Wrong Explanation: They’re making up stories. While this may be true in some situations, there are hundreds of thousands of documented victims of domestic violence across this country. Sadly, there are even more cases that go unreported.

Why Stay?

Staying with an abuser seems inexplicable, but there really are legitimate reasons that keep people stuck in these situations.  Some of them include:

• They’re afraid. Many victims have no idea what the future holds, and have been threatened with violence, and even death, if they try to leave. Sticking with what they know feels safer than taking a chance on a new life.
• They feel that by staying they have greater awareness and control over danger. If they choose to leave, they worry about the safety of friends and family who may be at risk after helping them. In some situations, they have little identity outside the relationship, and believe that staying gives them insight to the abuser’s moods, location, and thoughts.
• They believe, or want to believe, their abuser’s apologies and promises that they will never do it again.
• They have guilt. Many victims believe their abuser is damaged and needs help that only they can provide. Others have abandoned the abuser, leaving the victim with the responsibility to stay and help.
• They think they deserve it. Oftentimes survivors are believers in the worn out conclusions their abuser has used to justify violent behavior. If only they hadn’t done X, their abuser wouldn’t have had to do Y. Victims start to believe that their actions and behavior are the root cause of the problem.
• They don’t know what to do. They have children, and are overwhelmed at the thought of trying to raise them alone, or frightened by threats that their abuser will take the kids.
• They love their abusers. As crazy as it may sound, they remember the romantic beginnings and yearn for those times.
• They have no means to leave. Going to a hotel or taking a flight out of town takes money, especially if there are children involved. Survivors who can’t find a way to a shelter may have very few options, especially if they have no long-term alternatives.

We Understand

At the Law Office of Julia Kefalinos, we understand how complicated domestic violence is, and the strain on survivors. If you or someone you know needs legal assistance, our dedicated Miami domestic violence attorneys are here for you. Schedule a confidential consultation in our Miami office today.

Source:

knowmore.fsu.edu/helping-healing/why-victims-stay#:~:text=Generally%2C%20victims%20stay%20because%20the,injury%20when%20they%20are%20leaving.